contd. an evening walk ...(1)
Engulfed in his own thoughts, he is exploring the place looking here and there. It is while observing these big trees, standing naked all alone makes him feel welcoming to this place and in their world of silence and loneliness. Suddenly his emotions are spurting up to embrace these trees and he feels like spending some time talking to them, asking them how do they preserve themselves so silently?
I know him, this loneliness caused to him is not coz of the absence of other human bodies around but the loneliness of being a lost single note in the intense noise everywhere around. Sometimes he is not been able to identify as to why has he been granted this big human life? Has there been some special reasons that God created him for? If it is then why doesn’t he let us know clearly?
Wake up everyday with a fresh neutral mind to face these worldly infinite diverse possibilities that the end of the day is still the same, ‘you do not know what best thing & which is the best way to go for?’
“But I remember discussing with him once about the house, when I read RichDadPoorDad to which he responded as a place for emotional needs, quite away from any materialistic requirement! Yet he is leaving this home! Wouldn’t it pain him at all? When I can sense the pain without having at all a share there, how could he pass a thought of selling it away completely, having spent several years there, having seen complete construction in front of the eyes? May be money, may be opportunities, may be prejudicial thoughts about the new place, may be …”
He is now lost among several may be(s) and is still not getting ready to believe that he wouldn’t find that place again where he landed up the first in this Bangalore city, he wouldn’t be able to see the faces he is now obsessed with and takes for granted, he won’t have any reason to come to the area where he drove the most in this city or would he be able to drive back again in those areas at all? How would it feel visiting the vicinity of that place and finding that No, there’s nobody here now, there's no home, there's no kid you can play around with, there's nobody to recognize you, you have to return back to your rented room! Despite several attempts to fathom the depth of this hollowness which is getting deeper and deeper, he is just as good as the ant who is trying to escape out of the dish which has boiling water inside and kept on the stove which is red hot outside. There's no escape out!
“How everything around you sometimes steals your mood to give you exactly the view you want to see.” Looking at the deserted road in front, the road looks so silent that he finds easy to map approximately every thought in his mind with an object he could visualize with the eyes.
“I think this is why they say that college or school days are the best bet in life, quite true, you know you have crowd around but you can visualize it, you still can manage to make a way out for you but how about the crowd you just can’t imagine?” Ummm even am little confused as to what is he trying to relate with what now but it seems that his thoughts are jumping in several directions together at a time.
“Durdamya Jijivisha – Yes, this was what written in that chapter in Alok Bharti, however hard it is but human still desires to live in every damn possible situation. See the people here, they too survive in extreme climates of several degrees below zero and similarly above. How does that matter if the standards of living are high, Isn’t it also an example of durdamya jijivisha?”
Probably an extremely aged lady struggling with heavy woolens on her with the chilly wind blowing provoked this thought in him. But to see her wish to live despite any situation, inspires him for something, something unknown!
“Where will I go on Diwali this year? How about Jua? What about Rasika & Sneha? They too must be feeling little bad about this. In fact none of us will be able to get together the way we did! There won’t be any comments on each other, no lunches, no dinners, no tea at Infinitea, no shopping together, no reasons to go to Corner house, no reason to go to Nagarjuna or probably no exploration of new places around & what about Arushi? Probably it won't matter much for her, she is too young to realize all this.” It is something which can't be defined, No I do not have anything absolute to comment on his feelings. I'm surprised how has he been able to bring such feelings out of himself for the first time. May be he's trying to change himself a bit.
To break his line of thoughts he stood up and is now forwarding back to his house again, he has just taken the rest but somehow the far placed bench on roadside again is trying to prompt him to sit for a while, telling him to take some deep breathes & rest. This isn’t the way you should be thinking! How can you be so rudimentary? How do these thoughts make it any better? And why do you forget that everything is the part of life?
This has been happening since … you know it better than anyone. Is it a bigger blow than you have had in the past? You became normal then and you again will! Its not you, it applies to every normal human. I understand that it pains to see everybody you find attached to leaving you every time again. But probably harder the lessons, better is the knowledge gained. Keep your patience up! There’s always a brighter side to everything.
He just reached the bench to sit for a while that he notices the sign board besides.
“God what a nice bus stand it is! How neat and pleasing”
He couldn’t contain himself with a sudden excitement of seeing such a peaceful bus stand. All it takes a bench and a board, isn’t it like something back in India? All you need just a few people to stand, thats it :).
“Icepeak guy must be waiting for the reply, I have to respond him back with some answer soon. Sweden eh!”
Its been very dark, he too is feeling little exhausted not physically but emotionally. It was a long walk covering approx. whole of the city yet its only the thoughts that made him feel tired. True. There's nothing beyond this mind. Control this one thing, probably that will solve almost every problem like situation.