Thinkin' again

Yes I know I’m thinkin’ of you

Thinkin’ of you

Thinkin’ as I always do.

Thinkin’ of those flowers again

Flowers I thought of giftin’ you

And those flowers are waitin’ still

Waitin’ still

Waitin’ still for none than you.

Yes I know I’m thinkin’ of you

Thinkin’ as I always do.

Thinkin’ why this distance we have

Distance which came unwantedly through

And I question myself, what went wrong

What went wrong

Please believe me theres’ no clue.

Yes I know I’m thinkin’ of you

Thinkin’ as I always do.

Thinkin’ of those moments again

Moments colored to red-grey-blue

These moments want you to come

Want you to come

Coz lifes’ so long, they are so few.

Yes I know I’m thinkin’ of you

Thinkin’ as I always do.

You are moving, I am movin’

Both away, everyday new

But today my heart just went down

All colors changed to deep black-brown

There’s emptiness all around

With all efforts, no escape found

Yet I tried hard

Tried hard to move

The world so noisy

This heart just mute

An only option am left again with ...

... as you know, I’m thinkin’ of you

Thinkin’ as I always do!

__________________________________________________

Hmmm ... am actually convinced with myself today to see this composition bring some truest of my expressions in print. No idea how could I write this big but it just came in a flow. 40 minutes. Time taken to compose this rhyme has been seriously out of this world.

Like while flying a kite, it doesn’t matter which direction you try to make it fly, it aligns itself with the wind seamlessly eventually. There’s a beautiful experience I followed myself through, being flown through writing as well.

As I wrote earlier, writing has the power to heal; yes it definitely has but today I realized it’s even adventurous. It also gives you a platform to decode those complex twisted cables of thoughts that keep you choked every moment you find yourself dwindling with them.

You might reason down the cause of your thought process to some odd reason ‘X’ but when you start documenting about it, there’s an eventual drift towards the actual/ root cause of it, which could be some reason ‘Y’ or ‘Z'. Therefore, you get to eventually realize the pattern in the reason’s structure and you start unfolding the chemistry behind your thought process easily.

Today I actually decided to pen-down a rhyme. Rhyme without a theme in mind, just very much casually one can say. I started to write something around loneliness, which engulfs me almost everyday I’m backing home. However hard might I try, words weren't ready to come, even though am quite mentally prepared for the same.

I then stopped pressuring my mind and put my fountain pen to action and yes I could write something. But at the end of it I realized that it ended up with something I never intended to, something I never wanted to pen.

When did my initial idea get transformed into the current theme, I never realized. It was so seamless and smooth that it actually left me surprised. Even better just 40 odd minutes to give this composition a final touch is not less surprising again coz I have never written anything in less than 3-4 hours, writing a rhyme has always evolved in fact over a couple of days and yet this one looks to be so appropriate to the corresponding emotions.

Writing is definitely calling...

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Lillehammer

Its just a few days ago I landed up here at a small town in Norway called Lillehammer. Talk to anyone about the city, the first impression you get is that its the place of 1994 Winter Olympic games (which was around 12 of February back in 94). My office is located at Fakkelgården (seems to be the hub of sports athletes during Olympics).

The other attraction attached to this place is the Lake Mjøsa (read myosa), which is the biggest lake in whole Norway. Lillehammer is actually located on the northernmost part of this lake. One day over a lunch discussion got to know quite strange things about this lake. During winters, this lake freezes to a depth that the surface is hard enough to drive a car or to land a helicopter quite easily on it. It was back in ancient times when Germans tried intruding Norway through to Lillehammer, Norwegians broke down an important bridge to prevent the intrusion but the winter season preferred the Germans, as they could easily land their air vehicles on this lake mjøsa. I saw this lake while driving from Oslo to Lillehammer from within the car, no one can believe that its a lake looking at its size, it certainly looks like a big river!

I can compare this city to a small hill station in India like Nainital or Dehradun. It is a hilly region, surrounded by mountains but displays the efficient infrastructure and magnificent architecture. The wooden houses look quite solemn and beautiful, it is in fact said that lillehammer preserves the beautiful wooden houses of even as late as 19th century. The city has one main street which is like a main market or a place where you can go for shopping, which is as big as the Brigade road in Bangalore but damn neat and beautiful displaying a traditional look quite opposed to the modern visual noise which we encounter in almost every big city today be it anywhere in the world for that matter.

Another observation which mesmerizes me is the presence of the small candles at the restaurants everywhere. They say that the burning candle makes the ambiance livelier, which I myself felt to be quite true, you actually feel good to see all the tables with a small lit candle. Whole room gains immense energy from so many lighted candles around. You can even encounter a big candle burning outside the shops, which signifies that the shop is still open, which are blown off only while closing the shop.

My accommodation has been arranged at Nedre Lundebekken; inside a small beautiful wooden house (completely engulfed with snow outside) about a Km and half distant from office, this place is actually the hostel for the college students here. And am sure its worth a sight for the people who haven't seen wooden houses and snow in life, it simply looks ecstatic.

Another concept of having your garbage sorted out at home in three different containers certainly needs attention. At home everyone maintains three different dustbins. A blue in color, to collect the paper garbage, a brown one should be used for the organic waste and the white one should be used for rest everything. And there are bigger dump baskets in a housing colony for different garbage. It’s every week that the govt. vehicles collect the garbage and dumps different kind of garbage at different places, which ensures that the plastic and paper can go for recycling easily and extra labor can be avoided for the same. Looking at the packaged content growing in its reputation, the disposal of plastic garbage certainly is becoming a global issue today and such simple efforts are worth an attention.

Although the Norwegians too have advanced and supposed to be quite well-to-do in monetary terms compared to the global standards. The divide between the rich and poor is like negligible (doesn’t mean that they don’t have riches and poor), the middle class here rules the society with a major share, I am impressed to see the perseverance towards their customs, traditions and culture, which is very much reflected in every small activity of their daily routine life.

Although it’s the winter season here, there is no way any activity is restrained on account of this snow. In fact Norwegians I believe get more enthusiastic during winters with their skii(s).

The kind of hospitality I’ve received so far is again euphoric and I indeed have several things to mention about. Usually the floor at my room gets so cold that it’s not possible to even stand on it and I didn’t have any slippers also in place, about which I mentioned to a colleague on Friday. On Monday before I could connect my laptop, I was presented with the warm woolen shoes by Kari. I came to know through her that these shoes are by the courtesy of Hilda. I was amazed to hear this because I don’t have anything to do with her except that we work in the same office and we even sit way apart. Somehow she got to know about the problem, she purchased these shoes especially for me. I was out of words about this enlivening experience, since she is not keeping well, I’ve still not been able to thank her. But while writing this blog, just today I realized that I could have at least called her up to ask about her health and thanked her for the same. Gosh! I shall do it tomorrow as the first activity.

Last Thursday I chopped my finger with knife, which let some 50ml blood ooze out of my finger. I kept sucking my finger whole night, pain was literally bad, and blood wasn’t stopping at all, after about 2 hours I even kept the finger inside the freezer to allow the blood to freeze, couldn’t even sleep whole night. But next morning the care and the concern shown by everyone was once again thrilling. A colleague (Bent) drove me all the way to office then to hospital then back to office and then to home inspite of the fact that, he was one of the key player in the delivery which was due in a few days and he was already short of time. Saturday I kept receiving the calls from colleagues, asking about the finger’s status. Another colleague who was on leave on Friday, showed a great amount of disappointment.

Simply overwhelmed.

For some pictures of lillehammer click here.

Paris to Oslo

(Contd. Bangalore to Paris)

The journey was more or less okayish except that it was really difficult to sleep on such a long duration flight. I remember how uncomfortable everyone around was as and when I woke up late nights and observed, the girl next seat was struggling with the blanket to let it embrace her from tip to toe and so was I.

It was around 2pm IST, the flight arrived here at Paris airport. Believe me Paris looks ecstatic at least from the top view. Wonderful Landscape, structured residential areas, beautiful curvy roads, greenish background and several lakes around. May be any place looks the same from within the plane window but the neatness & calmness portrayed by the landscape is worth the view and since the day was cloudy it looked even sexier. For a moment there was a flash on my memory of the olden days when a sadhu baba (usually local fortune tellers) looking at my palm said, "Tere haath mein videsh jaana nahin likha" (there's no line on my palm that would ever lead me to a foreign land) and then i smiled & looked outside again.

I had to spend some 4 hours on the airport, initially I thought its a good amount of time, may be I can easily go around the city for sometime but an immediate second thought suggested me to explore the fashion & beauty within airport's premises itself, the sole reason was the thought of my wallet factor (with just 160 Euros in pocket and the Visa card still inactive), it was not a wise step to go for.

Somehow reached the Terminal where I had to check in. Looked around for about decent 2 hours before taking a nap. The hairs of the people actually caught my attention, by the way they are the people working at the airport, the security personnels and of course the passengers included. The stylish hair cuts for which we pay a hefty amount back in India am sure people here manage to get it without any cut itself. The messier your hair structure, better is your style and its not just the language restricted to the young kids but applies to the people of all ages. Quite a fair deal, isn't it? But with all the observations, all I concluded at the end is 'Paris indeed is a fashion city'.

It was the time to check in, at the entrance a big English-men pointed me to several plastic bottles lying on a table, they all were half filled with some sort of liquid, either water or soda or some sort of wine. I actually couldn't understand what exactly was he trying to say and I just uttered a loud 'NO', he then let me inside, I still din't understand what exactly was that but he let me inside, what else matters!

Anyways that big rucksack was through the security check now and their gadget finally alarmed them of something unethical i was trying to carry inside. I know it was little scary & my breath was down to see a team of personnels rushing towards me. The bag was opened, they spread every damn thing out on the floor and there came two bottles which I had packed with extra care in plastic bags and then rolled them with the big cloth pieces. All of them pointed me to unfold the packs, i just kept following and there came two glass jars containing the Mango pickles (An Indian in Norway had actually requested me to bring two of those Priya Pickle bottles). I tried my level best to make them understand that its something that we eat with food but all in vain.
Result: Either leave the bottles with them or put them through the check-in. I din't want to leave those bottles hence followed back to the check-in counter. Soon as I put the rucksack (6kg) for check-in, the person here also warned me about the 22Kg(s) that I've already loaded at Bangalore, so whatever I check-in now is gonna be paid and that too in Euros! Well with a quick thought i decided to check-in the small shoulder bag with just two of those bottles, which weighed about 2kg(s) which should cost some 70 Euros.

Wow! pickles cost just 130 INR. and the transportation charges were approx 4000 INR. And when I asked the guy about the cost, he said, "Thats okay, You now need not pay anything" That was strange but in my favor of course, so theres nothing wrong :). One thing is clear that such cases do happen outside India also or may be my heavenly stars tussled with his and hipnotized him, no to charge anything from me. May be who knows! If such things happen in India, we could have easily related the incident to some or the other emotion that the person must have gone through but what should I relate this English-men with huh?

Alright, while trying to check in again, that English-men again pointed me to those half-filled liquid bottles, this time I decided to decrypt the mystery behind these bottles and followed my intuition, I thought may be we can pick up some of the bottles to carry inside the plane, I was thirsty by now, so I said 'Water Bottle! Give me one water bottle!', to which he replied, "No, No, its not allowed". It was then it clicked to me that the liquid is actually not allowed inside the plane, therefore, he was actually asking the passengers to leave their liquid bottles out on that table itself but by the time i understood, i noticed a few kids already making fun, about what? ... that I wasn't really sure!

Finally everything was through and I could actually board to the flight #2374 to Oslo.

How good are these online surveys?

That certainly means that I too got a digicam in my wardrobe. I never thought that I’ll do the research on the model of digicam after getting it purchased.

Alright, now I have an Olympus FE-170 model (also known as X-760) which I chose over all other brands & models on the display, solely for the reason that it was the cheapest available then but yes it did look good too. This camera looks very much like any other digicam(s) available in the market.

According to the Flickr survey done across a brand of cameras available in the market, this model ranks 17^th among the different models available within Olympus brand, which went some way to convince me that it wasn't a big mistake purchasing this one with the budget in hand.

There is also an exceptional growth seen in the user base of this camera over last year. The graph below should make this rather more clear.

FE170 Usage this year

no. of users

It so happened that I had to move to lillehammer next morning and my senior manager asked me to complete the basic shopping in Oslo itself coz Lillehammer is not a big or even a happening town. But since it is a small place, I anticipated better sight seeing there compared to the urbanized look at Oslo, hence, a digicam was quite inevitable in the pocket.

Since my Visa card was still inactive, therefore, this camera is by the courtesy of my manager again. That evening he picked me up to visit a shopping mall named “Lefdal”, which claims to sell the stuff the cheapest in Oslo, having found the price cheaper compared to them elsewhere, be sure to receive the 150% of the amount you pay for the item.

Cost of Camera - 1495 Kroners (10.5K INR)

256 MB memory card - 399 Kroners (2.8K INR)

Camera Cover - 99 Kroners (700 INR)

A total deal within 2000 Kroners (14K INR)

But many a times things aren't they way as they look. I went through several links finding about the model but most of the description were quite amateurish. Its was only after reading CNET's insider view, I understood how several of these surveys can actually be misguiding.

What CNET Says: FE180 is much better a choice with just a $30 differences between the models. Lets look over at the major differences.

1. While both are automated, the FE-180 uses Olympus's TruePic Turbo image processor. The FE-170's unbranded image processor is the main cause of its performance woes.

2. The camera takes 5.7 seconds from power-on to first shot and every shot thereafter suffers a wait of 4.8 seconds without flash. With the onboard flash enabled, that wait becomes an even-longer 5.5 seconds. Shutter lag was almost as painful, taking a full 1.3 seconds from shutter release to shot. These numbers are more than double when compared to FE-180, which offered a 1.6-second shot-to-shot time and a shutter lag of just 0.6 second.

3. While the FE-180 displayed very good white balance with tungsten lights, the FE-170's tungsten shots looked almost like old-time sepia prints.

4. Also FE180 comes with two rechargeable batteries and a wall charger against the alkaline batteries with 170.

Thus, the lesson to be learnt here is that sometimes spending a little extra can go a long way and never research on whatever you have done already, it only leads to disappointment. Had I purchased FE180, I'd have read the comparisons with its daughter versions, hence, disappointment is inevitable.

Bangalore to Paris

The gang of 'three' (Bhaisaab, Arushi & Rasika) came to drop me at Bangalore Airport. While obliging that last touch with everyone of them, all I felt and told myself was 'Alright, thats okay!' and it was for the first time while starting a journey I felt little emotional (also felt as if it was a little incomplete see-off!).

Next the 'International Departure' hall was ready to welcome me with a little wonderful experience ahead. Went to the Currency converter counter. Asked the guy to convert the 10000 INR to the Euros. In return all I got was 4 Notes (3 notes of 50, and a note of 10, in all 160 Euros). First of the smile I had about the experience am gonna have soon.

Further I was asked to pay approx. 9000 INR towards the luggage overweight (by 6kgs). 'OMG! Now theres' nobody around I can ask to take back some stuff home. Can't even throw anything just like that, don't have money either. What do I do?'

Then I realized the rucksack inside my suitcase could be carried to the cabin with a few more things & even my shoulder bag could easily accommodate inside it, did the same, weight still loosened only by 4kgs but the lady on the other side of the counter somehow relaxed rest 2kgs for me ... lol first surprise happened for the journey. But the penalty had to be paid and it came in terms of the surprising & astonishing looks of the other passengers, who must be thinking, "How the hell this guy gonna fit in this big huge rucksack inside the cabin"?

On top of that, the luggage space corresponding to my seat number was isolated, hence, extremely small to accommodate even half the size of my rucksack. And I was like, "Hell! What do I do now? "

Being little clever, I utilized the others' space (Seats 30-32, since they were attached) and my rucksack finally got away from the sad looks of the people but yes I ended up using others' space and soon I realized the sweet deadly looks of an Indian lady and an African guy, since neither of whom were sitting on any of those seats, hence I didn’t care about them at all.

Little later noticed the way the seat owner's were actually struggling to accommodate their luggage, I kept observing them, felt relaxed soon as they all got settled. As I started to bring my eyes back to normal, they gazed through the eyes of that Indian lady once again and the deadly looks were still on, this time I too didn’t try to avoid and decided to give back the equivalent looks back again, hence we kicked off a short n silent conversation:

She: "Yucks! What the hell, you cheapo!".
Me: "Shut up! Why the hell do you have to bother?"

Lol. I immediately decided to leave that state of conversation n get myself back to normal self again.

Wow! A great start to the journey!

Love or Devotion?

Important: Take it easy

There has been so much known in this world about love that one or two experiences or comments from a novice like me wouldn't even make sense. With my generation it has already been such a common phenomena that I wonder if its the same which people did a generation or two ago. It reminds me of an old song

"aapki nazron ne samjha, Pyaar ke kaabil Mujhe
Dil ki ae Dhadkan thahar ja Mil gayi Manzil mujhe"

Where are those bondings? Look around anywhere, so many people just trying to satisfy their personal egos on this front, which makes people like me little stubborn about getting into any such relationships & hence I've always forced myself not to give enough space to myself to find entangled in this web anymore.

But a human is after all human, how long can you fight with the laws of nature? There are times you also meet a person who looks to be so nice & comfortable that your hormonal structure is forced to get imbalanced. You actually feel like doing everything w.r.t. that person as if you would have done for the one just like as if you loved him/her, doesn't matter how stubborn or stern you are to this feeling.

Since we do not know or usually do not even try to know whether the feeling is exactly the love or something that looks very much similar to it but not love. Indian culture especially is so much obsessed with this feeling that we do not even bother to find if theres something that can exist beyond this brand called 'love', we therefore end up calling every damn emotional feeling as love, treating it as love and believing it as love and when this thread demands a permanent relationship it doesn't work out for most of us. And very easily then we end up saying that 'Love marriages aren't successful'!

It therefore, becomes immensely important for us to find out if this feeling is really the love or something which looks very similar to it but actually not love. But the whole big issue here is: Are we really mature enough to make judgments in the matters of love? And in case we are, what are the parameters against which we should evaluate the sensation of these emotional feelings?

I somehow discovered something of this sort very recently, yes I too liked a girl with no strings attached. After spending a considerable amount of time together, very much like a normal guy, weighing my principles on one side and the emotional turbulences on to the other, I realized that there's something that holds me close to this girl and it was then when I urged to find the real meaning of the strong affection I had developed. Was that love or a replica in course?

To ease out the comparison between the love and a replica of it, lets term it as devotion (funny part is that till date Wikipedia doesn't have any definition for this word & in Hindu mythology its just a synonymous for Bhakti, which am sure is little away from the sense I mean to use it for), for the simple reason that it sounds quite nice & decent, also this is the best word my vocab suggests me (it could be anything else, as long as the essence remains same). But then the boundary between this love & devotion is very mean. On top of that, with the culture & ambiance we live in today, it becomes even difficult to identify & justify whether do you love a person or just feel like devoted to.

How can one find if it is love or devotion?
Now defining love would mean like showing light to the other end of an infinite tunnel with a candle in hand. Let me try a bit with my small candle source itself (I have to, since the subject has already gained the momentum).
* Somehow I feel in love you feel like getting as close to each other as possible, applies to getting physically closer as well.
* You feel like participating in every possible chores of the person you find hooked to, within or out of reach, doesn't matter.
* You also feel like consulting & getting consulted for every damn small thing in life which wouldn't mean/ matter anything to anybody else besides both of you.
* At the end of the day, all you want is the company of the person that you believe you love.
* To express & getting expressed about yourself in due course of time from each other is something inevitable.
And several things like that which am sure wouldn't need any mean explanation from my side.

Devotion I felt comes, when the source of attachment is something very sharp & focussed (very much away from the dynamics of love in its fundamentals, couldn't be termed on the basis of parameters like beauty, smile, closeness etc. etc.). This source could be as simple as some sort of sympathy towards that person for just one very very small reason, which wouldn't even find a ground to stand if talked about it to someone even by chance.

And when you feel like devoted all that matters is that person's agony & presence to you. It also doesn't matter if that person really appreciates you/ your devotion at all or not. You believe in doing some sort of Karma & feel like hooked to even if he/ she remains or tries to detach from you or for that matter remains involved with somebody else.

I believe its just a language of admiration which doesn't need any appreciations but attention and not even attention many a times. Importantly, like love it also doesn't end even if the bond weakens but unlike love it usually doesn't makes you negative about the person even with worst of the understandings. Here too a feeling that could hurt most of the times is the ignorance from the person. Here too expectations, fear & disappointment makes a very much an cyclic part of the relationship that you share, which is potentially stronger enough to bring your energy levels down to the minimum that you can ever expect.

And all this has definitely taught me something vital but thats my understanding of the things, everyone has to go through this process to be able to derive out this learning ... But I know even if I say all this, it will still repeat, I'll still admire people, I'll still long for closeness, I'll still find sympathetic and may be devoted again, an irony indeed!

I also know whatever remains the matter of the subject, it can never be perfect, can never be sufficient & can never be absolute but still ...

Parzania

Parzania is the non-shoutable pain, unforgettable embedded memories, the love, mapped to a movie, which leaves one sinking with those forgotten thoughts once again.

This is one of the most sensible movies I've seen today, the time is approx 1:30 a.m. and I find myself highly impulsive to write something about it. This is after about 2 years it feels this good about watching a movie, last time it was with Black. Another recent attempt by Nagesh Kukunoor with Dor did enthuse but today's one left the emotions churned thoroughly once again.

It feels so different looking at this, manifestation of leading such a wonderful life with whatever little troubles that we have. I actually feel like giving 10/10 to the director (Rahul Dholakia) for whatever attempt he has made. How troublesome the situations can be, never can be imagined, am sure every normal man with some or the other pain should watch the movie and weigh themselves, if they really have a big problem that can't be undone.

Parzania is shot from the perspective of a middle class, matured, sensible family man/ woman and is inspired by a true incident. Complete narration is in English, although it takes that naturality away which would have come with Hindi, yet it marks the deep impression on mind. I can simply validate coz I could see most of the females around caressing their eyes from time to time, nevertheless, rasika, supriya along with me were no exception in this case.

Central focus of the movie remains the heart wrenching, tragic massacre executed in Gujarat by the Hindus, when all the Hindu(s) flocked together to weigh Muslims on the embarrassment side, butchered them none like the animals. But the series of events that could have led to this big event doesn't seem to be powerful, from the viewer's perspective, although this could be interpreted in a way that the director wanted to keep the melodramatic content away to retain the reality factor and wanted to focus more on to the aftermaths of the event.

Star cast comprises of legendary actor Mr. Naseeruddin Shah a very old time actress Sarika. I've seen her in earlier movies but never ever thought that she could be this good at acting. I somehow feel like she should receive some award for this act and for her exemplary dialogue delivery, which is simply outstanding. Naseeruddin Shah is no way less but am sure Sarika did much better than anybody in the Queue.

There were two flaws I could easily make out, which I believe, should have been made out by any normal person, which makes me think if this movie entered our subcontinent really came after screening all over the globe.

The movie is shot around the Ahmedabad region in Gujarat. A scene captured an auto with CNG written, although am not sure if CNG has already entered Gujarat region, all I know it's still the story of Delhi, am sure this suddenly makes one feel that the movie is still a movie and shot in some local grounds.

In the other scene, when Mr. N. Shah is trying to untangle the dead bodies to confirm if the dead body with the red T-shirt reflects his son only or not. The whole scene looks seriously devastating and scares the weak hearts, the way dead bodies are lying, their burn marks punches several needles at a time through one's heart. In this scene, while he untangles the boy's face, the other boy lying besides has his eyebrows shaking (and its pretty much notable!), which in a fraction of the moment takes away that disappointment, the pain that everyone in the room carries. I personally felt relieved within a moment and came out of the reality that was simulated within my mind. After all its just the acting the makeup is all I thought that moment.

Anyway these are just simple observations, which are really insignificant against the courageous direction that the director has done.

This is a must see, even for those who avoid movies with blood, massacre and all such ingredients. Reality must be seen!

Phoreign Certifications goes Desi

When you travel from Delhi to Meerut, there's a place mid-way called Modinagar, this place is actually famous for "Shikanji" (only thing i know) - its fundamentally the lemon water with some added sugar, spices etc to make it taste more jazzy, i vaguely remembered "Jain Shikanji" was the first brand name in this space & actually famous for its best taste, flavor and the zing it offers with its every sip.

Now today while traveling in the roadways bus, I happened to glance upon a few advertisement boards promoting this shikanji drink by not only Jain Shikanji but also the other competitors who have come in place (certainly looking at the demand for this watery drink). A couple of advertisement boards of Jain Shikanji then I saw the board of "Raja Shikanji", and the advertisement actually went something like this:

Raja Shikanji

England sarkar dwara manyata prapt
(Certified by the England Govt.)

This indeed looked to me quite surprising that england govt. is bothering about our so common home-made drink so much! Initially, I smiled but a little further I realized what-to-actually-do to beat competition and also the actual penetration of these foreign certifications in the first place for the first time. I feel this is quite enlightening as to; why these certifications? and how valuable are they? :)LL

How can writing help in self healing?

Lately, with an internet connection up in my room, writing is something keeping me busy more than anything else. Keying in infinite combination of words within a couple of hours is a routine activity now but to derive out the satisfaction out of what I write is still a rare phenomenon. A few observations that I made during this process are:

1। Almost every time, composition din't come out the way I wanted it to be.

2. Many times I had a strong urge to write on a defined subject with lots of related threads in mind but soon as I gained the posture, mind just went blank & couldn't find anything structured to be written.

3. Out of whatever I write, its only 10% of all write-ups that I feel okayish about & give me sense of satisfaction.

4. Many times when I failed to articulate a subject appropriately, this definitely created some sort of restlessness and made me feel little aggravated.

Nevertheless, it’s an activity in isolation with nobody to comment/remark upon and there is nobody who is interrupting me as well (given that I write in isolation), then why do these patterns emerge at all? Does leaving someone irritated solely for not been able to write perfectly makes any sense? Neither it’s a competition nor a matter of recognition then where does this irritation finds it room to come in?

This suggests that the presence of irritation surely hints to something, something on a microscopic level. Now what remains unexplored is that something!

First of all not many people come to writing but the ones who do should ask themselves if it is by any chance an emotional outlet for them?

If the writing is meant to release your emotions or better to say to give a direction/channel to the emotions & feelings within your self, then I find convinced that getting irritated is no way unjustified. Playing with your emotions and feelings always directly/indirectly always creates some sort of chaos within the self.

Very simple, consider computer memory, it can be referenced either directly with the help of normal data-type variables or indirectly with the help of pointers (Now everyone knows how complex pointers are!). Similarly your emotions can be referenced indirectly with the help of writing, very much like pointers. You go little careless about them, they ensure to bring worst of the behavior on screen. It’s a kind of miniature simulation of human behavior.

Therefore, writing to express is as important as talking to somebody, listening to someone, visiting a hill station to chill out, hanging around a nearby pub or going out to a concert for a change. Doesn't this hint that writing is actually a means to heal oneself as well?

I believe it does! I also believe introverts cling more towards writing to release their emotions. Since I'm getting more n more comfortable with writing, it also is validating the fact for my own self that I am an introvert too. Cool! How easy it is to identify your own self with the arts of life!

Therefore, it is important to learn to be able to write effectively, compose it elegantly and articulate it appropriately. And whenever you experience that the composition is not coming the way you want, it may mean one of the following:

1.1. There are collisions happening among the thoughts to find preference.

1.2. You are not letting yourself free to write.

It is really important to learn here that grammar & punctuation mistakes shouldn't be looked after with a serious mood. It’s okay even if we have some, until you find it comfortable to read.

1.3. Emotions are still finding difficult to come in print. Let your mind loose & allow heart to take the complete control of the situation. Probably you are targeting a specific audience, forget that for a moment and think about those who would like to see this articulation.

You don't have to be an experienced or eloquent writer to get the self-healing benefits that the writing has to offer. The beauty of writing as a form of self healing is that it leaves no one offended. Self healing stems from honesty and expression of emotions and if you censor yourself while you write, the healing doesn't come out of the process. Style of writing also doesn't matter, it should just be written with single aim in mind - "to express honestly".

But why the strong urge doesn't lead to anything sometimes, certainly confuse me so much still!

To get best out of writing as a healing practice, I follow few of these ways.

1. Read your article continuously after every paragraph been written from top to bottom. Read slowly but loudly in a single go (making sure nobody is around to get disturbed). Don't know what's the science behind it but yes it certainly helps to a great deal.

2. Once the write up is complete as per the intuition, editing at last is certainly a good idea. The amusing aspect here is that the composition usually gets doubled or more than the original size under this process. Be open to add more feelings and jumble up the paragraphs completely up or down.

3. Giving a final reading to the write-up coming after a decent break of hours or a day if possible. Longer the break better it is!

I'm sure writing has the capacity to heal one's mind, heart & soul. I've seen it happening it with me and it’s much better a way than any other. Much better because eventually one has to heal his/her within self & its only through writing you express every tiny emotion and yet remain in the safest hands, that’s yours!

People who do not want to be open to others surely find it a wonderful means. That is only why I said, introverts are better at this than the others.

Disclaimer: I am not a writer by trade and therefore, cannot attest to the facts that I have mentioned above. To get any attestation done, either you need a professional help or at best just follow your intuition. Forgetting anything been mentioned here can also help one in writing to a great deal.

24X7, Services ... are they keywords to ...?

Heard about it, thought about it but in real didn’t ever feel much about it but when I sensed it around, surely wasn't ready to accept, for the simple fact that its’ not expected to encounter ‘this’ so early in life that too at an age full of energy, enthusiasm & the vibrations of several sorts.

But what persists will eventually be discovered and then you realize that it has actually creeped in already without any sign, there is nothing much that you can now do about it. It’s there now, accept it or not but its there!

This is something which has been best known for giving company to the retired, old age people. Of course if it comes to a person in his early twenties its' meant to be resisted. I too did it, likewise does any human but now I explore that ‘this something’ is becoming quite a norm and getting prominent by every day & hour, no more it has got only to do with the aged but young once are sweetly embraced by it too.

Since this ‘this something’ is a mute societal phenomenon today, there must be something responsible for it too. With lots of observations, comparisons & contrasts, there are two things that took my attention away; seem to bring in this societal transform.

Two magic words “24x7” and “services”, so simple, so overwhelming, so elegant & yes highly fascinating as a consumer/user; but I see them weaving a thick web around us. Digg a bit deeper, they seem to have embraced our complete society. I’m sure no resident of a cosmopolitan city like Bangalore can ever deny the fact that they are the prime factors for the paradigm shift in the societal behavior, consumer expectations, organizational functioning, rationalism etc.

Buzzwords, our country has welcomed warmly, whole heartedly & accepted with high regard simply finding them the basic ingredients that makes the better countries actually better, we have had absolutely no offense for the same but in bits and pieces.

And these words were actually loaded with wonderful gains like exceptional monetary benefits at an early age, world class infrastructure & dynamism at work etc. hence gaining a ground on the soil of an aspiring country like ours was never a big deal. All they demanded in turn is the complete soul involvement in the high pressure work, which too wasn’t any issue through any angle, given that we still lead this world in terms of population.

Hold on! Even though, we have local yet global facilities at our toes, fat pockets and several groomed bodies around, this something is yet making its foot stronger in one's life.

What’s this ‘this something’ that has plugged in our lives so seamlessly? What it actually is which has been the subject of this whole contemplation?

24x7, and services ... are they the keywords to loneliness?

Flights of Fantasy!

Its no fantasized name for a yet another blog entry but the name of the "Sangeet Samaroh" (Music Concert) been conducted last weekend at Chowdiah Memorial Hall Bangalore. The event which I happened to visit quite accidentally and of course fortunately enough as well.

The concert was essentially segregated into two sessions:

1. Classical Vocals by Pandit Ulhas Kashalkar and his group.
2. Santoor Vaadan by Maestro Pt. Shiv Kumar Sharma & associate Table Master.

Being a very much novice in classical music much of the "ras" or the "anand" that the music lovers I could see relishing, surely remained a miss to me, yet I'm astounded, stunned and wordless to explain the elements of joy that were felt within.

The very first thing that took us with surprise was the Hindi narration by the speaker, so clear, peaceful and pleasing. The voice itself had the element of respect towards the artists and audience. I say it as a surprise simply coz English today has replaced every part of speech in our culture, the soothing effect that the unexpected Hindi narration had on our ears was in itself a treat, reflecting a direction towards the quick small preparation that audience needed to get hold of something about to come in the following moments to reflect very much the Indian culture.

It was first of the Live Music concert I ever visited, a classical one on top of that; agitation had already started in the mind with the collisions of the reactions I'd reserved about such concerts from the people earlier but still was prepared enough to hold back through the session.

"Chor chori se jaye, hera pheri se nahin!" (Thief can discontinue stealing but not with its habits), like many software pro(s), am sure anything new we encounter interpretation in terms of it is indispensable. Quite subconsciously my mind started reacting to give a comparison graph between the "coordination among the artists" with the "systems & processes" in our industry, no idea how naive do I sound but yes I did the same. It suddenly flashed a memory of mine visiting the "Career" section of a startup org, where these guys were talking about their team to be as a band of musicians and how they wanted a few more drummers, proficient in .NET technologies!

Anyways, the hall was jam-packed with hundreds of people with the age ranging from 3 years old kid to 90+ years' old gentle men & women, constituting the four different generations in present tense, whereas middle-age dominated the crowd. Both the sessions were remarkable in their own respect and standards, audience whether a novice like me or the ardent music devotee both were engulfed into the magic of vibrations that traversed through the room to the hundreds of ear-drums. Rounds of applause even seemed to be minuscule but the only means to appreciating the enchantment around.

I find myself highly pleased, hence couldn't stop researching about the people whom I heard last weekend (seems like last night though), people who were treated like human forms of the God & documenting about them looks to me the best way to appreciate the mute spiritual endowment I've had from these artists. Little compilation about the artists for a better insight;

Pandit Ulhas Kashalkar:

Pandit Kashalkar started his music initials from his father Shri N.D.Kashalkar for whom music was a hobby. Then he became the disciple of Ram Marathe (an exponent of Agra Gharana), he then won a Gold medal in M.Music. Gajananbhuwa Joshi however remains as his real mentor.

Ulhas Kashalkar started his career as a Programme Executive in All India Radio (AIR), Thane, near Mumbai. He later came to Kolkata to join the ITC Sangeet Research Academy (ITC-SRA) as a guru in 1993. He has trained a number of scholars at the Academy. Even today he is one of the most sought-after gurus at the ITC Sangeet Research Academy.

The sensitive and committed listener who wishes today to experience minute subtleties of alaapi, intricacies of laykari and fiery taankari will inevitably have to turn to Pandit Ulhas Kashalkar. There are still those who insist on traditional fare in this age of instant food, those who refuse to dilute their taste and wander about in search of the real thing. To such people - who demand music which is traditional and authentic - Ulhasji's concert is like a joyous festival. How well-etched, how clearly delineated, how neat and attractive his music is!

It is like a beautiful feminine form, adorned in a beautiful sari, with not a hair out of place: it is not unkempt, dishelved, not untidy and disorganized. There are no unnecessary leaps from one note to another, no lingering over the taar shadjas, no indulgence in misplaced taan.

Words of the Speaker: "When Bill Clinton came to India & visited Agra, he stated that the world can be easily divided into two halves, one who have not seen the beauty of the Taj Mahal & the other one who have enjoyed its absolute splendor. Very similarly world can actually be divided into two halves, one who have had the chance to listen to the Vocals of Pt. Ulhas Kashalkar and the other one who have missed it."

Pandit Shiv Kumar Sharma:

I actually felt sorry about myself being unaware about such a persona earlier. As soon as he was introduced, I could recognize his face, as seen on TV, newspapers or through some advertisements many a times.

As the speaker said, "An artist is known by the instrument he plays but there have been only two artists who have given life to the instruments. One such artist is Late Shri Bismillah Khan, who brought Shehnai to the living form, the other is Pt. Shiv Kumar Sharma who brought Santoor on par with other instruments in the classical category and took it to the International standards".

When he started playing Santoor, it looked very normal an instrument & the art of playing it both, slowly and gradually he picked up the pace, eventually the synchronization between the pace of his hand, the melody created and the tabla artist was no less than an incredible & simply a treat for the audience, and when we looked at our watches we realized that he played one whole session for about one & half hour at a single stretch. Audience was so much overwhelmed that applauses weren't coming to hold, it seemed as if there has been a big session on hand clapping(s) as well.

Now I'm back from the concert but still the vibes of it are still emanating from within.

Reverse Living

They say that you learn every moment in this life. Of course, may be, but its only very few moments that you recognize them to be in the same context.

Just a few days back, I've had an experience, experience which I heard, thought, imagined couple of times through media only. The experience am sure isn't worth posting here but indeed its' a corporate experience, something which most of us will take and percieve as bad experience. Bad because it was not so good or pleasing at its first instance, it led me through several frustration levels every moment after that and torturing me whenever i thought of it.

It took a couple of days to overcome the negative vibes I was generating out of me for sometime.
Yesterday, very early morning, while I was still in my trans state, a couple of thoughts floated across mind & I actually started calculating about what all have I achieved or done in these 20+ days after having the so called bad experience? Rather what has actually helped me to come out of this situation better unlike before?

1. Purchasing a Bike.
What a frustrated mind said ::
What the hell? Why do I need the bike at all now? Do I really need it now? Am sure even if I go for it after about a month or two, that should also be okay! Man save some money, you never know how it may help you!
Not-so-frustrated-Mind ::
Why the hell do I've to postpone my personal activities on grounds of an experience very much unrelated? Would have I thought of postponing this decision in normal circumstances? If not then why do I have to behave as if circumstances aren't normal, they actually depend upon how do I percieve the situation to be! Why to build an external pressure when the internal one is already on its peak?
Listening to not-so-frustrated-mind I actually accelerated the process of procuring the bike. My prior dealer promised me to deliver the bike in 15 days and then I decided to go with the dealer who can get me the one immediately, now I've the bike, got it delievered in next 4 days of my decision :-).

2. Daily Outings.
Frustrated Mind ::
What! you'll do outings now? That too daily? Insane! You don't go for outings even on weekends! No! you should rather focus yourself, make new plans, study more and try for better job prospects, change your workplace etc etc.
Not-so-frustrated-Mind ::
Chill yaar. Why don't you find out why do many people go for outings to get relaxed? Lets try this at least once. Focus & study of course but don't be too calculative on time management, whatever you do, do it with relaxation. Who knows, daily relaxation might help you overcome daily burnout a bit & stop you to accumulate all of it.
Since my bike has come I've made it a habit to go outside in the evenings, however pressure, or targetted tasks I have pending for the day. I remember after 7.00 pm i'm never home, and my roomies have an impression that I've been working late nights in the office ;-).

3. Dining out.
Frustrated Mind ::
Now this is height, What doesn that mean btw? What does dining out has to do with your problem? I mean you eat at home normally, then why not behave normally? Why do you want to put fire to your so meagre an amount that you have for your survival for the rest of the month? You are intelligent & literate enough, I don't think it really makes any sense, now decide yourself.
Not-so-frustrated-Mind ::
First chill. Changing lifestyle once in a while doesn't make it worse. Doing general things differently sometimes take you away from your mind's virtual web of thoughts. Dining out is just a way to come out of normal routine activities. Why not just try out something randomly for fun, don't worry your financial state wouldn't be affected too much.
Fortunately our LPG cylinder too, went empty and it actually became a necessity for dining out, What a timing and on top of that it took about 10 days to get the refill delivered at home. Although its a different story that I dined out with a friend to make it even fulfilling.

4. Spending time with a friend.
Frustrated Mind ::
You need somebody to spend time in itself shows that you are weak. The essence of this very act represnts that you are frustrated. And you very well know, you've never liked being with any one for that matter in such times, you've rather always preferred being alone! Why don't you be at your natural self?
Not-so-frustrated-Mind ::
Whatever you've been doing so far, who guarantees that its the perfect way of doing things? Lets see! When you've been trying so many different things, why not start a new relationship as well? This time don't be so skeptical, do not think much. Try listening & understanding more, rememer everyone is a human first. Btw what good will you achieve being alone as well?

5. Last but not the least.
Take immediate steps on whatever gyan I collect on weekends, now thats a secret!

"Is it really worth blaming whole organization for an experience I had with a single individual?"
I actually made my mind to leave my organization on grounds of this experience, but now it again seems to be good with this new perspective.
What good will I achieve being dishonest to the organization? Isn't it a learning in a way to make myself better & avoid any such circumstances further? Be emotional but on the same hand remain aware of corporate dynamics as well. No doubt this is what is known as experience!

The concept of living in a reverse manner to counter such troubles is another learning in itself. Which am sure is no small in itself.

Questioning

This write-up dates back to March. Left it unfinished then but one simple question let me dig out the similar expressions once again.

It’s not the explanation of now or the version of then but the story of every now & then, every such time when one find himself getting entwined into the jumble of so many questions within oneself, am sure even over the limit that one’s mind can sometimes handle and it gets even viciously infecting while questioning the eternity too much.

Should we do questioning at all in the first place?

What nonsense! Questioning has always been an answer to explore all the uncultivated zones.

If so, is there any limit to questioning? If it is there, then how much? But does limitation to questioning makes at all sense? If it should then for whom? But why it should only for few? Why not for many others as well?

Hmmm! So many questions over & over again!

Few days, its getting just again, mind cluttered, heart mute that it immediately leaves me sinking, thinking how integrated actually Questioning is to the human mind! And all I could infer with whatever has been apparent to me is that it should be associated with mind since the time a single mind got into the state of pure consciousness.

While I was just trying to think it over, in the middle, a random question again disturbed the course asking me, why do sometimes some people think too much? Am saying so coz I’ve been hearing such recurring comments from friends, family or near & dear ones for that matter for me also, I sub-consciously seems to have now developed a feeling that I also think beyond a limit at times. Am sure when it goes to thinking, positive & negative thoughts, both find the equal place within. Even though I try not to think this much, certainly am a failure yet again. I also believe that too much of thinking takes the innocence away. But don’t know what to actually do? So Mr. me is quite helpless!

In fact every thing that doesn’t go the way I want makes this thought process even worse. Inability to make things work as the way I want, creates desperation, and this desperation leads to restlessness, which ultimately leads to the creation of negative thoughts, in such a state of mind, one tends to release a lot of energy which usually comes out through some destructive manner, may be that’s the only way to release a chunk at one stretch.

It was very recently, I also realized that the absence of certain types of amusements in life actually leads to destructive thinking. Most of the time they can’t even be traced out unless one follows through true introspection techniques, which I also do not know, what are they! But I believe there should surely be some structured way existent to introspect oneself, May be a Psychiatrist can help on this!

While dealing with these vibrations, few more which have persistently getting into the gloves are:

Why are we, as we are? Why do we have so many urges? Why are we not as balanced as the nature is? Why do we have an urge to be something? Why can't we expect ourselves as being nothing? Why actually do we have to be anything? Do we really feel that someone else can answer to this?

May be Yes or May be No.

Am sure such questions prompt everyone to think more, the best and the biggest one can.

But may be it doesn't matter. Its because we already know, we know the answers ourselves in the things we say or in the things we feel or in the things we don't say or may be in the things we do not feel. May be because we do not care to know what we say, what we feel or what we don't say or what we do not feel.

What have we been talking about? What have we been complaining about? Look around yourself and the fact you encounter is that we are unhappy. About the self and nothing else!

Don't you see how selfish have we been?

We choose a career, not for good we could accomplish but for the personal happiness we expected to find out of it. Then we argue, that "I really wanted to do that" and that is where questioning stops. May be because we thought we’d be good and virtuous doing it.

Sometime hence that “really wanted” thing becomes “quite really not wanted”. Questioning thus becomes apparent, same desperation, restlessness pops up again and this is a never ending process.

It was while walking to the office one fine morning; I stopped up to read “Thought of the day” on the notice board which went like:

“I’ve given up my life to become what I am today, is it worth it?”

I couldn’t answer. Honestly!

And a pool of questions sorrounds me once again.

Tears [:'(]

Shedding tears embarrasses me so much that when I was a child, I tried very hard not to cry, not to cry for any reason, under any circumstance, especially after it is done, everyone seem to look at you so differently, gosh! Eventually try as I might, the tears refused to come on. Never been sure as to how important it was to shed few of them, of course in the first place we are never taught by anyone to do so at all.

Despite the occasional aberration, my life never gave me much reasons for bringing out these water droplets so easily coz I knew I had the tenderness, capacity and enough will power. Now the question actually comes to mind is, why the hell actually have I chosen a subject like this?

If am actually happy and have no reason to drop even a lone drop of it, why suddenly in between of these technical and general happiness possessions, am I talking about these so sophisticated tiny droplets called tears?

Hmmm. One reason I find is that this way I make this blog more and more unpredictable, which creates a decent curiosity in heart to come back again to this place, another one is not any reason though but a thought that I entered into this territory just to nurture my habits of writing and am trying to make decent efforts to be more regular than as ever.

Still to this subject of tears I would say that it was actually very recently, I realized that it actually doesn't take much to bring them on. Am sure if am saying, I must have had some reason & instance in the same sense.

Sometimes, there actually is no real problem but a blunt moment is enough to press that panic button and it is like that the floodgates gets open such that they can't be shut again. I count it also a kind of weakness in itself, which makes myself feel ashamed of, irked by my inability to control those tears. It seems that true empowerment and emancipation would come only when one could not only stop them but also control them in any undesirable situations as well and indeed I crave for this to happen & have made sure now not to make it happen. Lets see!

I also believe that there is only a finite pool of tears that everyone has. Am sure that every moment & every different feeling in this so called existence of life is strong enough to bring this pool out of oneself, if hurt badly. As there's a limit to everything in this universe, there's a limit to tears as well. The panic button which loosens the control sometimes does the opposite as well. And when it happens, every pore of me aches to sob the pain away but I just cannot do it anymore.

Heart's once deepest desire comes to hold true. It is one of those ill conceived desires which once fulfilled cannot be undone.

MoMo Bangalore - First meet Identified

19^th June 2006, third Monday of June, remains the date when several individuals flocked together to build a community & Bangalore welcomed Mobile Monday (MoMo) chapter. So much I knew about the initial virtual response, number of attendees was well above expectations, number in sync with the date of release, yes its 19! Does say a lot about the beginning of the chapter!

MoMo (Mobile Monday) Bangalore has been reinstated in India by the two budding entrepreneurs out of Indian Silicon Valley, namely Rajiv Poddar (alias Rajiv) & Thiagrajan (alias Rajan). Fundamentally its an international community of Mobile enthusiasts with its chapters all across the globe today. Bangalore chapter marks the entry of MoMo to India.

The only eligibility to be the part of MoMo is the interest & enthusiasm to be the part of a young community, which tends to explore the mobile mania, opportunities and the trends that could be encountered in India. Am sure this still remains as quite microscopic vision for the group as of now. Expect to catch the more of it with time.

I for that matter found these people following through their blogs & eventually got to know about their plans to roll out the MoMo Bangalore chapter following soon. It was indeed a subject of enthusiasm for me, for the simple reason that it was a big break after the college that I found myself into any such activity. But still I had few apprehensions in mind in being the part of the group having to have the complete disproportion in the nature of my work or domain.

I believe professionally I was the youngest limb present there, which I could make out through the three rounds of introduction spanning throughout the session. Most of the entries went to the startup boys like Rajiv (Tantra Tele), Rajan (Advetta), Karthik Jain (PicSquare), Pooran Prasad (Zealous), Parvez Ahmed (Techno Clean), Vishal & Vivek (Design Tree). And the rest was the mix of independent consultants & the developers working across several organizations. But going further, the idea is to outline more of the startups, VCs, Academicians & enthusiasts at any level always.

Unlike the informal entry to the event, it progressed in much of a formally informal manner, starting with the presentation, enlightening the background of MoMo. Since it was the inaugural meet, no agenda or plan was actually in place; Rajiv anyway kept the liveliness to the session with a talk on “Trends following the Mobile TV”, which was further followed by several doubts, apprehensions, questions & suggestions from the listeners. All in all it was a treat to be among such an enthusiastic crowd.

I certainly am waiting for the next meet to happen, hope to catch up with more new faces and higher level of knowledge sharing.

How one can join this Bangalore chapter. For that matter, as a first step, you can to get into the Yahoogroups which has been dishing out a decent number of mails to the inbox now. Thus, any apprehensions, problems, ideas and suggestions can always be thrown out in this dynamic forum, be assured, if nobody replies, Rajiv/ Rajan will certainly take care of any random statement you make & I’ll always enjoy looking at that .

Getting in touch with Rajiv/ Rajan in person is not a bad idea either.

Other links related to MoMo Bangalore

1. Rajan’s Blog
2. Rajiv’s Blog